Today? Today is different. Today I can’t muster up any anger. Nope. Today I finally feel beaten down, defeated. I finally feel all of the shit that you’ve been putting me through. Does this mean I’m done? If I was smart it would, but unfortunately I’m proving to be a glutton for punishment. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. For someone who cares so much about me you have a fucking terrible way of showing it.
But despite all of that. Despite the pain, the fear, and the constant not knowing, I just want you to give me a chance to make you happy. A real chance. Because this bull shit we’re doing now is not giving me a fair chance. Yes I should make you feel good around me always, relationship or not, but it would be a hell of a lot easier if you would just give me a second chance. But right now you tell me that I make you feel like a shitty person? Well then guess what. Maybe you are a fucking shitty person. Do I mean to do that? No. I wish you could know just how much I love you and care for you. All I want is to spend time with you, and make you feel like the most important person in the world, because to me you are. But I will make it know that it upsets me that you don’t want me to make a trip with you, I will tell you that I’m very sad you don’t want me to be with you on your birthday, I will tell you that I feel betrayed and upset, and you better believe that I will make it known that I am unhappy. “But portraying your emotions and telling me how you feel makes you seem not happy and like you can’t control yourself.” No. If I lost control you would damn well know. I’m trying to be honest and forthright with you. I don’t wanna just explode one day or sink into this deep existential depression that you seem so comfortable to wallow in. Do you honestly think it’s me that makes you feel bad? Really? Probably not. It’s probably a culmination of your shitty self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and the fact that you can’t get your life together because you won’t fucking seek anymore help. But that’s not really fair of me to say. I know that asking for help is hard. I do. You sought help once and I am unbelievably proud of you because I know how much it took for you to do that. But now you have to pull it together, realize that they weren’t wrong, and quit blaming me for your problems. I understand that you can’t take care of me until you can take of yourself. I don’t need taken care of. I don’t want to come off as a selfish and self-righteous cunt. I know you have problems and I just want to help. I just want to stop missing you, and for you to let me love you. I’m just asking for another chance to show you all that this can be. If not? Well then I just ask that you don’t focus on the last few months. Also remember the vast amount of time when we were completely happy to just be in each other’s company. Remember. Please.