My Rock and My Poison

I think this bottle of moscato is trying to tell me something. Something that I’ve been told too many times to count even just tonight, but something I probably will I know I’ll go back to thinking on tomorrow and I’ll have to convince myself to believe it time and time again. But what if I’m not actually the problem? What if I actually am the kind of person that people want to be around. “I don’t see you as a person that I want to be around. We haven’t been close for a long time. Don’t be so dramatic.” Am I dramatic? Fuck yes. However, I can say, with complete confidence, that while I may be groveling, I am not being dramatic in this case. I have made a plethora of new friends this semester. Work, class, Cheddar’s… You name it. And you know what? These people seem like they genuinely want to spend time with me. They laugh at my lame jokes, they hold intelligent conversations with me, they enjoy when I challenge them.  You? You get defensive. Oh she may have a completely valid opinion that I didn’t really think of. If I’m being frank, and let’s be honest, we all know I don’t hold back here, you get threatened. You worry that I’m too much and that I may just be a better person than you. You’ve admitted that while drunk, and we all know the famous quote: “A drunken man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.” My brother, who interestingly enough just happened to seem to feel that I was upset and called me, put it best. You are afraid of your goddamned feelings. You can’t fucking handle the fact that you might actually have someone you can depend on. Did you have that with your parents? No. Have you really had it with anyone but me? No. I’ve mentioned several times how I know you’re depressed. That not only affects you, but everyone around you. The way you handle it though isn’t some good guy act. You push those that love you away. And I do. I love you more than life itself. You have always been my everything. My rock, but also my poison. I need to let you go as that is clearly your newest wish. You just don’t understand that I can’t. I can’t, I can’t, I just can’t do this. And with that I have already slipped back into the same old routine. The same pain that I cannot seem to shake.


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